Eskimo Girls, Eskimo Sistahs

We’re at an unusual age. With a click of a mouse we’re connected to every person from our past, present, and even potential future. Whether it’s a former friend or former foe, you can never escape the deletion of an online profile – even through mutual friends and blockage. While those are minor examples, you’re more than likely still friends with almost every score and every sore. The virginity taker. The one that bit your nipple too hard. The one that smelled like beef and cheese. The one you’re pretty sure you got HPV from. Lastly, probably a few people they’ve fucked as well.

I remember my freshmen health class. We got the talk that when you let someone into your pants, you let in everyone they’ve sucked and fucked into your pants as well. Makes sense, you can accumulate diseases and enemies just through sex alone. It doesn’t make you less of a person, but we all make sexual errors. What better way to remember those sexual pasts than through Facebook! I’ve made many an enemy just from one man alone. While time has put distance between the drama, there are Urban Outfitters I cannot go into. There are nail salons I have to avoid. Trees I have to hide behind on campus to escape dirty looks.

But why? Guys loudly claim Eskimo brethren over a lady, but girls try to rip each others throat out. And for what? When a babely brawl happens, most of the time the guy isn’t even worth it. Most of the time no one ends up with the guy. It’s happened once, twice, three times a lady wanting to break through the sex door into something more.

The older you get the more it doesn’t matter. Usually it’s naivety and being sucky at communication. If you were like me you were obsessive and not willing to take no for an answer (relationship wise). But sex happens. It’s life. Sometimes we just fuck the same people and it doesn’t work out. I can only speak to my hetero experience as a woman since I have way more women that want my head on a platter than women I’ve been romantically involved with. (I would appreciate some insight on this subject if otherwise).

You immaturely scour and say “how do I taste?” but the truth of the matter is that we’ve all been a sampler plate on someone’s menu. While I’m a big fan of appetizers, I’m not a fan of female hatred. Here are the types of Eskimo Sisters one girl can have and openly embrace.

The Dumb One. This girl obviously isn’t the smartest human specimen. She can be told a cocktail of compliments and behold her glistening vagina. Maybe, she’s not even dumb. Maybe she’s being lied to and taken advantage of. Maybe that guy is telling her things to get in her pants and she’s eating them up. She thinks what they have is special, but having a meat thermometer in your atmosphere doesn’t mean a thing. She thinks if she bares through the commitment issues and is loyal, he’ll stay but the truth is she’s blinded by a connection that doesn’t exist. (Been there. So been there.)

The Gorgeous one. He hooked up with that!? And he didn’t even date her?! This girl is beyond beautiful, someone that is marriageable and can be taken home to the parents. However, model-esque girls are a dime a dozen and if it didn’t work out there was probably no surface level penetration. AKA she might be boring as fuck and looks can only carry a conversation so far. It’s scientifically proven that we attribute false characteristics to people who are physically attractive. You could think this girl is the package but she’s lacking a major component in the connection department. Yeah, yeah, she makes you feel like shit, but at least you have a decent personality right? (I’ve never been the gorgeous one)

The Twin. You desperately want to hate this girl, but there’s something about her. You go on her Instagram, you check her twitter, you’re on Facebook – hey she likes this band? I love her outfit. She likes that restaurant too? Wine? I fucking love wine! She’s friends with some really cool people. Hey, do we kind of look alike? We both had pink hair autumn of 2013. Okay, she’s cool as hell and you want to be her friend. Despite the fact that you were both fucked because of the same qualities those qualities can be redeeming and will create an awesome BFF team. You could be sipping on your favorite Moscato and comparing positions in no time.

The One Where its just Sex. Not every girl wants to date or be in a serious relationship. Casual sex happens and it can honestly be a little intimidating to see a woman that’s carefree. She has left the shackles of society behind her and she gets what she wants. It’s admirable and like everyone else, you’re either the person that can or cannot have casual sex. This is totally up to how you perceive it depending on your level of sexual comfort. However, do not slut shame or think less of her because she did not have anything to lose.

The One That HATES your Guts. Whether you were first or second this girl harbors serious hatred towards your woman aura. It’s most likely the relationship (or fuckship) ended on a bad note and that has something to do with you but not really. She’s either jealous of what you currently have or had. This girl can’t seem to catch a break in life so her ray-despise-gun is aimed at you. She’ll probably hate you forever no matter who she dates, marries, or procreates with. Some people are really that weird and you should just hope she doesn’t axe murder you. She’s filed you under public enemy number whatever and that’s where you will remain for an eternity.

The girlfriend. Every person has that one partner. The one he made it official with. Depending on your level of okayness with relationship or lack thereof, she had that little something extra and you wonder what it is. They make a cute couple, he likes her. If you’re super immature you’ll put out a few tweets about how he used to be with you, but let’s be real he never was. He didn’t make you his partner and whether you’re okay with it or not, you’re just not okay with. (Negatives, Negatives, NEGATIVES!) Just remember, you’ll be someone’s partner at one point and there willl be a person who feels that way about you. That’s life, but you will be special enough for someone at one point.

The one after you. It’s hardwired into our physiology that it’s okay for us to move on, but not the other one. He can’t move on. You can be flying high doing your thing – living it up and being single or exploring love with someone new. You’re taken by surprise when he’s with someone new. He’s obviously happy, but you feel disappointed inside. It marks that what you guys had is truly over. You can either hope for the best or you secretly shit talk her with your twin-Eskimo. Just hope for the best, it’s the high road.

Society likes to pit women against each other. I feel my insecurity creep back on to me every once in awhile. There are no real reasons to hate any of these women. They were just in the past or the present. I have my life, and they have theirs. The common denominator being one person. While there is always an unsaid passage or bond, realize that its just not worth it.

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